The Big FU

Fuck you -

You heard me - Fuck you

Fuck you and your fear

Fuck you and your hate

Fuck you and your fucking fuck fuck judgey judge judgement

Fuck you

We don't owe you anything

We don't have to prove anything to you

Fuck you and your condescension

Fuck you and your inadequacies

Fuck you and the power you think you have

Fuck you

You're sad
and small
and your insecurities make you mean

Fuck you
that you don't know you're mean

Fuck you

that you roll around and think you're a victim

Fuck you

you don't know what that even means

Fuck you for your cruelty

Fuck you

the throats you stood on are getting up and taking a walk around

You're nothing without those scrapping for your approval -

too fucking bad - because we're opting out
keep your fucking petty power
we've got our own

hegemony

Here
I will tell you the truth
the things I hold back

I long for the time
when I don't owe anything
when the powers that be have no hold over me

but here
in this space
let me tell you the truth

you are incompetent
you don't even know how to try
you think you were born better than

everyone must beg
and scrape and bow
you get to say who gets the crumbs

you are cruel

and bit by bit
one day
this too shall pass

in the meantime
in my heart
I say
F-U

ash

I grieve your leaving
even as I stay

time is a weird thing
all of being is a weird and impossible thing

they might want it simple
to climb down from this high high place
but here we are
on the peak
looking out
all the clocks ticking
all the living and dying

Pompeii still lies in ashes

grief

Once it starts
and if it's tied
as it is
to something real and weighty
a thing made of concrete and iron
when it's tied to that
the work of it
will
never
be
finished

I can tell you also

my grief
my grief
my grief

it is mine, mine, mine
you cannot know it
or assuage it
or understand it
or own any part of it

I WILL NOT SHARE IT BECAUSE IT IS MINE AND IT IS ALL I HAVE NOW

IT POURS OUT IN UNEXPECTED AND INAPPROPRIATE MOMENTS GUSHING ON THE FLOOR
IT APPEARS AND DISTRACTS AND OCCUPIES AND PREOCCUPIES LONG AFTER IT SHOULD HAVE FADED
it's there
when i brush my teeth
it's there
when the sun sets
it's there
on those days in the fall
it's there
AND IT WILL NOT LEAVE BECAUSE IT IS NEVER DONE

and I do not want it to be done
(it is memory, it is love, it is real, and it is the closet i can come to sitting in that room again watching the rise and fall)

You cannot know it

at best
maybe
you can sit before it
and know that it exists

but it is mine
it is the only thing I can truly own

now

How feeble your cynicism when set next to miraculous forever.

Oh you fleck of dust, you mote,
Awash in infinity
This now that you know is just a glimmer
A spark
Flint on steel

All we have is each other
& now

There is only now